I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
