i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I would ride that face into the sunset
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
