the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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