I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
