if i can run in heels then i can drive
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize