you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Randomize
