dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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