As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
