He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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