i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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