Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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