If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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