It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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