you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
