I just saw a hot homeless man
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Randomize
