Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
