i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
