I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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