Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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