I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
We named our party play list daddy issues
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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