There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I wish there were birth control emojis
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
