But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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