Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
