he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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