Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
