Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
we're making bets on your personal life
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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