We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
i believe in u and ur pee
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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