I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
