and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
