You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
