so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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