Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
