Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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