I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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