tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
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