There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
