Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
