I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
My bed smells like the plague
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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