I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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