god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
