im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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