I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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