I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
