I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
