your parents love me but you hate me
I think my vagina is haunted
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize
