She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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