I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
