I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
