Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Randomize