I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
You are the jesus of drinking
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
