I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
