There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
