Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
