i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
