And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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