Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
