I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
