What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
